I started journaling after Natalie died. My next girl friend
bought me a Sherra Club notebook and I started writing in it on Feb
18th, 1996. When I reread my first entry, which explained what I was
going to do with the journal, I laugh because it sounds more like the
purpose of this blog – I had wanted to write down things that others
would find useful. It was my intention to help them. It’s funny now
because the journal quickly changed from being something that would be
useful to others to something that would be useful to me.
Before I put pen to journal paper, I had been writing on individual
sheets of paper or in a blue note book. I was grieving and had found
writing letters to Natalie explaining how I was feeling about her death
to be helpful for me as it seemed to make my thoughts more real. The
stuff was sad or self indulgent, I had noticed that I felt better after I
wrote out just how unhappy I was because I never felt as bad as my
words made it seem. The writing was an exercise that was moving me past
the grief and mourning. Since I was feeling better 6 months on, I
decided that it was time to make a more permanent contribution to the
grief process by doing something that would be useful to others.
The problem was that I wasn’t anywhere close to knowing how I was
feeling about death and grief and I was a far cry from being self-aware.
My life and mind were littered with impulsive thoughts, anger and
immaturity. As such, the entries in the journal moved from being concise
and evolved lessons that could be useful for others to ideas and
thoughts about whatever seemed to be gripping my mind at the time. From a
quantity point of view, it was a fairly productive period because there
were lots of things swirling around my consciousness and my unconscious
mind seemed to be working in overdrive too because stuff seemed to flow
out of me once I started writing. Some of it was really good for an
incomplete man in his mid-twenties, most of it was what you would
expect, not garbage, but not the stuff with universal appeal that I had
hoped would be coming out of me. The journal moved from being a book of
lessons to a book about my personal development.
Below are the 5 steps I took to write and make use of my journal:
The First Step in writing a useful personal
development journal is populating it with honest information. You need
to feel free enough to write whatever is on your mind without fear of
being judged harshly by others. You need to write from the heart
whenever you can because this is where the truth lies. It’s a journal
and it contains your thoughts but these are NOT necessarily facts. We
all think a bunch of stuff that ISN’T facts or even what we want. If we
think others will be reading them, the depth and clarity of the idea
will suffer. In fact, we tend to leave stuff out that may be useful;
take blogging for example, I take great care to make sure every word I
use is the right word and that I am sure that I think and feel how I am
claiming to think or feel. The ideas are not set in stone but I’ve
thought about them long enough to say that what I have written is how I
think about the particular item. New information can change the idea but
it will need to be pretty compelling.
The Second Step in writing a useful personal
development journal is writing in it frequently. This one is a little
tricky because writing is a skill that you need to practice and what you
write as practice may have nothing to do with personal development. Try
your best to keep the non-personal stuff out of the journal, but keep
the journal close at hand when you are practicing because some of your
clearest ideas will pop into your head when you’re writing something
completely unrelated.
The Third Step is writing a useful personal
development journal is writing about things that are personal to you –
this doesn’t necessarily mean personal items, it can, but it also
includes stuff that addresses or concerns how you look at the world,
realization that you have just had, or things that you have learned that
seem significant even if you do not know why they feel important.
Information about new jobs, new classes, new friends and new romantic
partners should be included. Very often these things will move your
awareness very quickly and, at the very least, they open up a world of
new experiences that will shape who you are.
The Forth Step in writing a useful personal
development journal is filling it with information over a long period of
time. While you should only write to the journal whenever you have
something personal to say, you should make an effort to write at least
once a week. It may not happen, but you need to try. Most often you will
go in phases of intense writing, when it seems like you have a lot to
say because you have reached a new place in your understanding of the
world, followed by no writing, when you’ve captured everything you had
on your mind. Keep your journal handy when you enter one of these no
writing phases because you have no idea when the dam will break and
ideas will stream out. Just make sure to date each entry with at least
the month and year, but it’s a good idea to include the day of the month
as well.
The Final Step is rereading it from cover to cover a
couple of times a years looking for patterns, common themes, changes in
your understanding and evolving ideas. This is what will make it useful
to you from a development perspective. If you have followed the first 4
steps, this should be fairly easy and sometimes painful to do. Ideas
evolve over a period of time and they tend to lag just slightly behind
steps of increased maturity, which themselves tend to follow new
experiences. Given the lag, it can be useful to read it backwards as
well; this will often present you with the enhanced idea, then the
moment of increased maturity and then the experience that was the
trigger of all of the progress.
Regardless of the direction you read, you NEED to do this because
otherwise what you have written will never come alive or resonate within
you. Keep in mind that human beings are incredible pattern matching
machines so keep giving it information to work with so it can start to
uncover the patterns. Your brain has a lot of power that isn’t called
upon very often so give it something to work with so you can tap into
this ability. Remember, when you read something that you have written
and it creates a sense of dissonance (a feeling of wrongness because
what is written and how you view the world are not in line) you have hit
upon something that is likely personal development.
Some of the patterns themes that I have found and what I did about them:
A need and a desire to be by myself (not in a relationship) for a
while to figure out what made me tick. Between the ages of 18 and 31 I
had been single (not in a long term relationship) for less than 6 months
and the longest period of time followed Natalie’s death (about 3
months). It was everything I knew about adult life and, in hindsight, I
was unhappy for most of it. There was one entry in particular that just
sickened me to read because I mentioned that I was jealous of an X
girlfriend who had taken the time after we broke-up to be single while I
just found another relationship without thinking about what I had
learned from the last one. When the next relationship ended, I took the
time and have been, for the most part single and happy since. I finally
got to know who I am and what I like doing, which marked the beginning
of the most productive period of my life so far.
Finding completion in another person vs. in myself. Along the same
lines as the need to be alone, reviewing the journal revealed that my
sense of self depended upon being in a relationship. I had worth if I
was in a partnership with someone else. I’m not hacking on partnerships,
just those that contain one partner who isn’t already a complete
individual. They say you cannot be useful to another if you cannot be
useful to yourself and I tend to agree, as would my X girlfriends during
this time. If the relationship went bad, I suffered and took it out on
them because I felt my identify was being jeopardized. I haven’t been in
a relationship for almost 2 years now and, while there are things I
miss (like making dinners together, holding hands, hugging, feeling
unconditional love from someone who isn’t family and having someone to
be alone with) I do not miss the doubt and the toxic approach I took to
get what I needed to feel complete.
The need to take an active role in my life and define my life by my
actions, instead of letting stuff happen. I had the classic victim
complex and I was very good at seeing reasons why I couldn’t do want I
wanted. I would manufacture road blocks, transfer my feelings onto
other people and basically sit on my ass while life was done to me. Oh
so much wasted time. Ironically, seeing this pattern years ago, I did
nothing about it until I made the conscious choice to remain single.
Then, when I started doing things, I really surprised myself by what I
was able to do.
A lot of self hatred. I didn’t like myself very much and I think I
was trying to kill myself slowly. I was a smoker, I had a poor
relationship with food, I stressed about things that didn’t matter and I
would destroy anything that was good in my life because I didn’t think I
had value or worth. I felt a lot of shame and anger and I blamed myself
for everything that didn’t go the way I like. My friends didn’t really
notice this, but my parents did and, when I started to realize it, my
dad spoke very frankly about how my actions actually made me feel and
what they did to him and my mom. (Part of me is very grateful that I had
drifted away from my brother during this time because we never had to
rebuild our relationship after I destroyed it with my self loathing). My
parents stuck by me because that’s what parents do for their children.
Peace. Very, very odd. I noticed that after my trip out east last
summer I effectively stopped writing in the journal. There were 3
entries after the trip and the last one was on October 1, 2006 and it
concerned the success of a race my bike team entered. In fact, the last 5
or 6 entries are more just reports of events and things that I did.
There was no confusion, turmoil or pain. One of them mentions the fact
that what I was hoping to find out east was actually within me all along
and that I was ready to deal with it. The thing was, once I realized
the journey was an internal one, it was over because I knew that
whatever I needed to get out of life I could manufacture within myself.
All I wanted was to be happy and I can be happy whenever I want and
without reason. I did not need another person, another location or
another experience to bring it to me, all I needed was the will and it
would follow.
My advice to you is that you start a personal development journal and
follow the 5 rules. If you are already journaling, take a few hours
today to reread what you have written. At worst, you get to see how your
writing has improved over the last few years, at best, you’ll see
yourself for who you are and finally have the strength to do something
about it. Knowledge is power so make the effort to find the knowledge,
the quality of your life may depend upon it.