There were a few really big moments during the weekend that
rocked me hard. A lot of them were unconscious at the time, but revealed
a lot of information that I was not able to flush out in the moment.
The first was immediately upon getting off the elevator. I was there
to learn and the staff was there to guide me. My cheque cleared so the
roles were very clear to me. I was an authentic student with an open
mind and gave into the notion that they were authentic coaches /
teachers / guides. Most of them were distant, guarded and lacked
something that those who suggested I would gain from attending possess
in abundance – authentic fearlessness. Frankly, I got the sense that
most of the staff was scared crapless of me and I couldn’t push away the
feeling that I was actually there for them.
In the waiting room I chatted with some people and asked them what
they were hoping to get out of being there. The participants were nice,
some were complete phoneys that made my skin crawl, some seemed to be
missing a critical piece of the puzzle and it was evident that many were
guarded. I did what I do which is effectively be different from
everyone else. I turned and opened up and started mining people for
their stories.
We all went into the large room and I took my seat in the front row
and engaged the two people who were on either side of me. It is
impossible to include everyone when you are in a line so I sat on the
stage to form a triangle (a circle that just happens to have 3 straight
lines forced into it). The group therapy had begun. It’s easy to notice
that no other line of people was doing this. The three of us were
special. The leader walks in and the session begins.
After some introduction stuff, the leader asks “when someone gives
advice to a group, who do you think they are giving to?” There were
three answers, silence, “other people” and mine “me.”
Hmmmm….. if I hadn’t yelled “me” I wouldn’t have thought much about
it, but there I was, a student who was there to milk the hell out of
whatever anyone was going to say or offer. Alone, fearless and
authentic. I started to levitate and a lot of what the weekend was about
transformed in that instant (not accurate, but for all practical
purposes how it was).
People asked some question and when the leader was asked about
himself and I got up and left. At the moment I thought it was because I
had to go to the bathroom and possibly eat something, but as I walked
out of the room I realized it was because I didn’t really care to listen
to his answers. It really didn’t matter to me. While some may consider
that rude, knowing too much about a possible flash bulb mentor can
weaken their position. He had effectively told us that his entire
presence was contrived so what’s the point in listening to someone
continue to manufacture context?
So, the first thing I realized that I wasn’t being the same as most
of the other people there. I was being me, manipulative, controlling,
and authentically consuming whatever anyone was willing to give me.
First break and I head across the street to get my lunch out of my
car and find somewhere to eat it. There’s a grocery store with some
chairs in it and I see a bunch of my fellow participants. All of the
tables are being used so I sit on my cooler and begin to use a free
chair as my table. A guy says “hey, you want to sit here” pointing to
the empty spot at his table. I do. We start the small talk and it turns
out he’s one of us, both in terms of a participant and outlier. He
leaves and after a few minutes I notice that his jacket is still on the
chair. After I finish my lunch I bring the jacket up to the room and go
outside to put away my lunch. I see him and say “hey, did you leave your
jacket?” and he says kind of avoidantly, “yeah, it’s upstairs.” And I
say “it is now, you left it at lunch. It’s under the table where we
leave our drinks.” He doesn’t believe me but says “thanks” to a lair who
is trying to get credit for doing something they didn’t do. I smile and
float away having read his mind.
I get a decaf coffee and head back. As soon as I get into the room,
he walks up and I point to under the table where his jacket is, he’s
just come from his chair where his jacket isn’t. There’s a look in his
eyes that wasn’t there before, the guard is down and he is not afraid of
me anymore. He says thank you and sort of outlines the consequences of
what would have happened if it was lost because he didn’t remember
wearing it when he left for lunch. I say “no, thank you for leaving it.
Normally I would have just left it there for the person to come back
for. You have given me a gift by providing me the possibility for a
different future and then for me to make that different future.” I hug
him and he hugs back – two strangers, men in their almost 40’s hugging
because of a shared sense of gratitude seeing the gift the other has
given to them.
I found my seat for the next session and sat behind one of the
greatest people I have ever know. A member of the unawakened walking
dead. That’s when things really began to get interesting….
NOTE – any one I mention in these series of blogs has given me permission to talk about our experiences.