“You are being so insecure” was what Leesa said when she finally said anything. The timing was conversationally accurate yet a situational non sequitur. What I had been saying was revealing a huge hole in my confidence but what I had just been doing didn’t embody the complete lack of skill that said confidence would help manifest.
“It doesn’t make any sense to me when I say it out loud. Feels kind of stupid actually.” That was true. I’ve known Leesa for a couple of years and we go climbing a few times a year. She navigated her way through her recent divorce in the same way that most people don’t handle a parking ticket. There are few random movements in my life so I was suddenly getting the feeling that there was something going on under the surface.
There were a few moments spent listing the things I do well, this interested neither one of us. I KNOW what I do well. This was a game and I was feeling it.
When someone presents themselves with insecurities we can engage them in three distinct ways – like a parent and try to solve their problem or demand a change, like a child and play with them or hurt them with it, or like an adult and coach them through the issue or establish a boundary so as to not get impacted by the other (ANY interaction between 2 people will be engaged from these POV with each member shifting roles; self talk will also take on these roles).
Whatever I had said created an Adult observation with a Parent response of “you are being so insecure” for her. My reply was Adult, and in this case it was Adult, but there have been times in the past when I responded to this exact mixed reply with a Child or Parent response. It can be useful in meeting girls because everyone has something that they don’t feel 100% about and, having codependent tendencies the only way I can get someone to do something for me when they don’t want to do it is to have them approach the task as though they were a parent. In this case, I was seeking coaching so we were able to dispense with the Parent / Child roles very quickly.
Once the interaction became Adult : Adult the information started flowing from her and the conversation took flight. You have to do stuff, everyday, for weeks and months and years. The things you do need to either cultivate your intellect, your emotional intelligence or your physical being. This will begin to manifest itself as a shift in ease at which life seems to flow. This is your spirit healing and growing; the invisible piece of you that others pick-up on as they observe your interactions with the world.
The truth is, we don’t gain confidence when we are involved in goal oriented action, we lose insecurity. Focusing on the action shifts our consciousness onto the present, which is reflexive but not usually consciously regressive. Going up the wall, I’m not thinking about every fall I ever took, I’m not really thinking about the foot or handhold I just moved from and I’m not thinking about the sales goal for the week. I’m mapping out a route from where I am and where I want to be and I’m determined to close in on my target. When I come off the wall, the focus widens and life begins again.
Confidence is the knowledge that you will try something and being in the habit of trying.