What do I want from a partner? “To exist with them in a way that
allows us to continue to cause each others greatness.” I want to help
them become more of what they are. This matches my life purpose – to
create beauty – as actualizing potential serves in the beautification of
an individual. This can be rendered in support, guidance, coaching, or
time alone together just to get things done. I’m aware that I am not
complete and need help in the journey to where that takes me. That’s
important. Realizing that there’s work to be done and that I will need
the help of others does a lot of help me keep my mind open.
It also strikes me that what I say I want now I did have a number of
times in the past. Each relationship has started off with someone who
found me interesting, inspiring and funny. It ends-up in a different
place but the beginning is always good. The words they say and the
actions they take do indicate something positive which happens to match
how I feel and believe I act. This is very significant – we make great
starts in the formation of a partnership but something breaks down that
transforms the help we offer each other from synergy to something
perceived as destructive by the other person. As best I can tell,
although I haven’t asked any of my old girlfriends, contempt enters the
relationship dynamic and this paints everything bad.
It is amazing that a partnership can sour so completely and so
quickly; although a number of my friends have commented that this is how
relationships go. The glow leaves after the first few months and the
two people begin to find comfort in the relationship and start to
express their intentions. My thought was that we’d likely never fall in
love if people were completely real from the very beginning although I’m
not sure. The few times I’ve simply not cared about being what I
thought the other person wanted I was happy and more peaceful. To date
though, there have been 2 unsuccessful relationships of this nature –
one didn’t work out because I checked out and the other didn’t get
started because the school year ended. Regardless of the outcome of
these experiences, we never ended up hating each other or developing
contempt for who the other was. It was fun and then it was over.
What I’m now considering is that the synergy that I once had with my
old girlfriends did not go away, it just changed into something else
that was interpreted as an effort to control behavior; which it was but
not from a place of intentional malice. What begins as welcome
observations about ones actions and nature eventually becomes unwelcome.
If the observations continue, even after their unwelcomeness has been
been made clear, the intentions of the observer have changed from
alchemist to parent REGARDLESS of the rightness or accuracy of the
observation. Synergy comes from creating more from what is there. If the
mind or a willingness to change is not there YOU CANNOT MAKE GOLD with
it because there is nothing to work with.
In these cases, synergy can be restored when both parties accept and
work with the reality of the situation; ones contentment with a world
view dissonant from yours is something that YOU can accept. Provided it
works for you, embracing a differing world view (or their unwillingness
to change) is the one thing that you can do to restore the synergy into a
relationship. It does require of their partner an accurate reporting of
what is going on in their head – the thing that you disagree on needs
to be the actual thing you disagree on. Steroid use is an example of
this. Some people use steroids in order to build more muscle or strength
so they have more muscle or strength. Other people use steroid to build
muscle and strength so they don’t feel insecure around other people.
It’s a lot easier to accept and deal with your partners desire to be
muscular and strong than it is to deal with one who is insecure or
narcissistic.
I need to be blunt with myself and with anyone who may consider
getting involved with me in a relationship. The opportunities for
synergy must be built into the structure of the relationship because my
track record is one of allowing these moments to fade away. My
career/education/recreation goals need to remain and I need to continue
to build towards them. If you can’t work in the same space, you need to
work away from each other, if you don’t like the same exercises or
fitness activities you need to keep doing the ones you like on your own,
if you are taking something advanced in school you need to accept that
your partners knowledge is limited and their efforts to help are based
on good intentions vs. wisdom. If you can work in the same space,
fantastic! If you enjoy the same fitness or exercise activities, enjoy
them together and push each other to greatness. If your partner is
encouraging and supportive of your journey towards higher eduction, be
grateful and pass along as much of this information as you can. Doing
anything other than getting on board with them 100% or 100% out of their
way is going to stop the synergy and begin to suffocate the
relationship.
Maintaining a climate conducive to synergy within a relation can be challenging and it does in someways go against the best interests of the individual – following a dream requires focus that won’t be spent on me. There is an abstract gain in that the relationship gets stronger because one of the members gets stronger, but the immediate experience may be one of perceived loss. In a strong relationship their is rarely a long term cost and usually a long term gain by having one of the members go back to school, love to cycle or train for marathons, work hard to build a sustainable business. Some of the relationship roles will be adjusted temporarily, others changed permanently, but the self-actualizing experience of working toward goals tends to inject a sense of possibility and hope into a relationship, but only if the relationship is structured for synergy.